Solve a dispute…

Another author and I are at odds. She critiqued one of my older manuscripts and thinks I should pub it. This is one on my first works and it is in one word MASSIVE. I’m talking 290 pages and 85 thousand words. Below is a posted snippet she chose. Didi I mention this book is huge! Anyway check out the snippet and do me a favor. After you read the excerpt – please leave a comment with a yeah pub or no way away and never look back or something to that effect. Anyway here goes.  This is unedited.

Snippet

Shay stepped from the curb onto the asphalt of the parking lot and nearly stumbled when her heel got caught in a small hole. She dropped her dress and started pin wheeling her arms to keep from falling. Suddenly she was yanked up by the loops on her jeans waistband and jerked back. She felt her panties bunch up in the crack of her ass. Whoever held her by the waistband didn’t immediately let go. She had to take a step forward and angle her body as she was pulled back to keep from stumbling into the person behind her. Her clothing was finally released when she found her footing. Shay did a little wiggle before she turned around to say thank you. She swiveled around to face her rescuer. Hot damn she hit the mother lode. Shay briefly thought to herself. Heaven have mercy. She continued her line of thought as she pressed her sunglasses further up her nose, tilted her head and perused his body. He was tall maybe a shade over six feet. His chest tapered to a narrow waist. At least she thought so his torso was hard to gauge under the dark oversized polo he sported. He wore faded jeans. They looked butter soft like he’d had them for years and fit so well it took your breath away. Dark work boots covered his feet. Then she glanced up. He had that pretty coco butter skin that most women would kill for. His mustache was pencil thin and rolled across his upper lip following the lines of his mouth connecting to the goatee on his chin. Sharp nose, high cheekbones, deep dark chocolate eyes slightly slanted His hair was pulled back into a ponytail it had to be at least shoulder length possibly longer. Shay was still taking full inventory of him when he coughed. Right then Shay realized she was staring, with her mouth open and maybe, God she hoped not, she let just a little drool slip by. She closed her mouth with audible snap and swallowed. Clearing her throat before she spoke, she tried not to look like a flaming imbecile. “Thank you.” Then did a little wiggle to try and dislodge the panties from her butt without notice. She watched as he opened his mouth, closed it and opened it again. Then he sighed and when he did speak, it was with deep timbre that felt like the smoothest cognac sliding across her nerves leaving warmth in its wake. The hint of an accent added to the allure of his voice. Smiling when he looked down at her she apologized again. He smiled. Really could he look any better? His smile was beautiful with mostly even white teeth just that one incisor was a little crooked. She so wanted to run her tongue on that particular tooth. Shay shook her head what was wrong with her. She lifted her sunglasses to look him in the eye.

****

Cai smiled and hoped it wasn’t one of his goofier ones. He wasn’t sure what to think. He’d stepped out of his dojo to run a few errands, check on his other martial arts studios and walked right into the scene of a woman in the midst of falling. He hadn’t thought about it, he just grabbed her by her belt loop and tugged her back. He’d done nothing else and couldn’t understand why he was panting. Cai cocked his head and what was up with the shimmy she kept doing? He watched her and waited. Just to see if she was truly okay, he told himself. She was pretty. Her hair was cut short stopping at her jawline and it was a nice shade of dark brown with a myriad of lighter blondes peppered through it. Her skin was the color of Latte. She had full lips, and solid cheekbones all sitting on a very kissable column of neck. Huh where did that thought come from. She wasn’t model thin but healthy and thick in all the right places. Her jeans clung to the flair of her hips and her waist was the perfect span for his hands. Nice. He glanced down. She was wearing heels, open toe heels and her toes. Well hell, she wiggled her toes and the sun glinted off the rhinestones that covered them. His eyes followed the lines of her body up returning to her face as she lifted her sunglasses and his chest constricted. He was looking into the prettiest and palest green eyes he had ever seen. They were flanked by thick black lashes that sent long shadows across her cheek every time she blinked. He’d spoken earlier but now his tongue just felt thick in his mouth. He thought to himself about how you talk to an angel because anything that came out his mouth at this point would definitely be a pick up line. Cai turned his head and coughed. “It’s okay. Are you alright?”

Well there you go. The ball is in your court my friends

Thanks again, Kass

37 thoughts on “Solve a dispute…

  1. OK! I’ve read it! Please tell me what’s wrong with it? Is there something I’m missing or is this other person being real petty?

  2. I honestly think you need someone else to work on your story. Get beta readers, and their opinions will help you. Then finally get an editor if your beta readers aren’t into grammar corrections.

    I think it has potential. In the first part, you said she dropped her dress, then you said she was pulled up by her loops in her jeans. These are errors that can be fixed, yes.

    I thought it could be a cool story. Don’t toss it, just get the help that will put you on the right track.

    Just my opinion. :-)

    Good luck.

  3. From the snippet given, I would pass. Maybe if I read more or knew the background my answer would be different… The excerpt seemed somewhat choppy and like the other reviewer said it went from dress to pants?

    I will say, I love all of your work and I’m sure if you do release the book it will be awesome :) *Side note — I would love for you to release the second part to Prey. Trace and Shay’s story seems really promising.

    • It is choppy it is one of my first transcripts and a first draft. I would think about pubbing it unless I went through it again and had an editor go through it after that. I was polling to see if my readers would be interested in it. I appreciate your honest response. As for a sequel to Prey Trace story is coming out. Its titled Primal but I pushed back the date to late March since I have another Shifter Legends book releases later this month, Defiant Dragon. Have a great Week. Kass

  4. Yes, I would buy it. Then again, I buy and read everything you write. I know you’re busy but I have to ask- when will we get the sequel to Prey and another Pack Rulez book? Thanks again, happy V-Day. Isn’t your anniversary this month? Happy (wedding) Anniversary!!!!

  5. Errr…failing to see the disagreement. Yes, publish it! I’m actually glad that it is long. Overall, I get kind of ticked when an author writes a short novel or novella. Character development and the story are stunted. I can read a 300 page book in about four hours on average…the 85000 words don’t scare me. But can we change the first name of the female character???

  6. I just finished the two Pride books and enjoyed them. I Hope you will write stories with dark skinned female leads with natural kinky hair. I’ll pass on the green-eyed latte.

    • I have written many dark skinned heroines with kinky curls, afro’s and all. African American women are a natural rainbow of color from light to dark. And like my family I diversify in my books because all women should be represented. Interesting thing I’m seeing. When I write dark heroines my light skin readers wonder why they aren’t represented. I have written 32 book and each and every hue has been represented.

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